February 2, 2024

Overcoming Uncertainty for Anxious Attachers S7E4

Courtship and Dating Clarity: Overcoming Uncertainty for Anxious Attachment Style

Making dating & courtship simple for Anxious Attachment Style

When you start your journey to partnership you may think you should focus on where to meet men, how to create emotional connection, or how to allow a man to pursue you so that you go from single to committed. You may think your biggest challenge is avoiding men who are time wasters so that you don’t fall into the situationship trap or get emotionally attached too soon to a man who isn’t ready to commit.

While these things are partially true and should be a part of taking control of your love life, for women with an anxious attachment style and have a hard time attracting a man who will commit, one major shift you will need to make in order to create a different outcome is to make courtship simple. 

Dating and relationships are not one size fits all. Yet, there are very common and predictable human behaviors and milestones in the courtship process that makes commitment more likely to happen. And, for the anxious attacher there are predictable behaviors you will exhibit during the dating and courtship process that almost always leads to relationship sabotage.

For example, typically around the 4-6 week mark an anxiously attached woman will begin to create the girlfriend fantasy and pre-commit to the relationship before actual commitment. While this creates a deeper bond and sense of connection between you and the man, it will eventually lead to courtship routines that increase expectations and need for security.

While having expectations and a need for validation and security isn’t a bad thing, if unmanaged and impractical, you will lean into your fear of abandonment and unintentionally create drama and conflict. 

This is why for the anxious attacher learning how to make courtship simple is key. Your brain needs to feel confident and clear on your next steps so that you can feel secure and stop trying to fix or problem solve whenever you feel uncertain. 

Trying to solve the “commitment problem” in your relationships is what’s causing drama, situationships, and breakups. The good news is this can be changed.

3 Reasons dating & courtship feels painfully uncertain

  1. Girlfriend Fantasy – You are anxiously attached and don’t know how to create connection without attachment so you find yourself playing the girlfriend role before actual commitment. This creates the fantasy of a relationship and commitment.
  2. Elevated Expectations – Your expectations aren’t in alignment with where you are in the courtship process and/or who you are dating. Expectations are high yet their commitment readiness (or yours) is low. Your internal clock begins ticking and creating a pressure cooker for your needs to get met before the right time or by the right person.
  3. Uncertainty Cloud – Anxious overthinking creates a cloud of fear and uncertainty that makes courtship feel unclear and uncomfortable. This causes you to feel a strong need for clarity and a rush to control the outcome of your relationships.

Why anxiously attached women need a simple approach to dating and courtship

Right now, you may think you always attract men who pursue you then say they aren’t ready to commit, your emotions get the best of you, or you simply can’t figure out the missing piece to the courtship process that causes your relationships to go sour.

You already know that relationships are important. You may even believe they are a core pillar of life and one of the main tools to help you learn, grow, and have the balanced life you desire. They help shape and stretch you in a way that is both scary and beautiful.

While all of these things may be true, what’s also true is that you must teach your brain how to think differently about the dating and courtship process so that you manage your emotions and attract the commitment you deserve.

Here’s the thing, when you are anxiously attached your brain is wired to look for signs that you will be abandoned. It seeks confirmation that you are not safe and that you must lean in and create closeness to feel secure. So, by having a simple approach to the courtship process you will have a roadmap for your brain to follow and create more confidence and security that leads to greater attraction and chances for commitment.

Overcoming Uncertainty for Anxious Attachment Style

How to make the courtship process simple

 Think of relationships like a fun scavenger hunt. You don’t know exactly what you’re getting yourself into. You just know there’s a start and there’s a finish. So you need a map to guide you through the process. As you move from one milestone to the next and unlock clues, you gain more clarity and certainty about what lies ahead. Well, courtship is something like that.

The thing is, in order to make dating and courtship simple there has to be an overall path and standard to follow. From there, you can pivot and adjust to your personal circumstances and specific needs. You will create your own interesting and exciting memories along the way.

And if you read and follow the clues properly, and never give up, eventually you will get to the treasure waiting for you. As long as you know and understand the basics of the path you’re on you can make the journey less complicated than you may currently be experiencing.

That’s exactly what The Captivating Courtship Code 6 step process is. It’s a blueprint you can use to take a practical approach to relationships that prioritizes your personal growth and unique circumstances. A simple path to follow to go from single to committed, using a combination of psychology, spirituality, and matchmaking techniques.

5 shifts you need to make to the courtship process if you are anxiously attached:

  • Connection without Attachment –  Learn to create connection without anxiously attaching so that you don’t fall into the girlfriend fantasy. This way you won’t jump ahead of the man by performing the girlfriend role before actual commitment.
  • Commitment Readiness – Get clear on how to identify a commitment ready man so that you have the right expectations for the right man, at the right time of the courtship process.
  • Courtship Clarity – Make the courtship process simple so that you feel more confident and certain. This will decrease your chances of feeling internal pressure to control the courtship process.
  • Security – Learn how to feel more secure so that you decrease your need for validation and manage your fear of abandonment. 
  • Drama Queen – Learn how to be a drama queen in the right way! This means handling communication and conflict in a way that deepens a connection instead of breaking it.




Links mentioned in this episode:

FREE Love Loops mini course – Discover your relationship patterns and how to change them

The Captivating Courtship Code  – Become a member of the CCC community and get the 6 step proven process to heal relationship patterns, create your captivating life and attract love.

Have a question? DM Zara on Instagram @zarajcaptivatingcourtship or email captivatingcourtship@gmail.com

meet the host

Relationship coach, author, creator of the Captivating Courtship Code

I’m passionate about improving the state of women’s relationships because a happy, healthy, loved and valued woman not only transforms her love life but has the power and impact to transform her family tree for generations to come. 

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